This is a fast turn around for a blog post for me. Lately they have been few and far between because life has gotten in the way. It is almost midnight on a Saturday and I am exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally, but yet I cannot sleep because there is too much going through my head. I am not sure how many people realize this, but in order to make ends meet until the divorce is complete, I am working two jobs, one during the week and one on the weekends, plus I work out 5 out of 7 days a week to help keep my sanity and to keep the divorce from really breaking me completely and lastly I am taking the last class required for my masters, which has to be competed before the end of the year.
The thing that keeps amazing me is that when someone hears I am getting divorced or going through a divorce or any form of those phrases, the first thing that is said is, 'I'm Sorry'. This is usually the reaction I get from people who have never been divorced. It is a bad situation, but honestly it is for the best for me. I understand that a lot of people do not know how to react since it seemed like things were good in my marriage. There was and still is a lot that people do not know about. The arguements and the blame that happened made my marriage very difficult, but the details are things that I dont talk about in public. To be honest, yes, divorce sucks, it tears people and families and friends apart, but it is not always a bad situation. Sometimes divorce is necessary to be able to live life to the fullest or to be happy with yourself and the way your life is. Sometimes divorce takes you by surprise and the changes you know you will have to go through scare the hell out of you. Everything someone feels about divorce is their feelings and opinions and thoughts and I accept all of those. It is frustrating for me to have friends tell me they are sorry I am going through a divorce in one breath then tell me this is the happiest they have ever seen me. And understand that every divorce as every marriage is different. No matter what the situation, the people involved are different which makes everyone's situation unique.
Don't get me wrong, this divorce has really taken its toll on me. I have borrowed money, lost friends, gained friends, lost myself, found myself and blamed myself all in the past six months. I have lost friends because of the divorce, but also because I realized that the negative people I had in my life were really not doing me any good. They were the people that helped me focus on the bad parts of a situation not the good aspects of my life, and I have learned there are a lot of the good things. I have gained friends. I really believe that if you lose one person in your life, then that person's purpose has been met. We only have room in our lives for so many friends, and this can be different for each person, but because I feel like I only have so many good, close friends, when one friend leaves my life, another one enters. It is amazing how this works for me. It is not something that I can control, it is just something that happens. I am grateful for every single person who has been a part of my life. They have all taught me something about life and love and myself and because of that, I would not trade any of them for the world. Because of dealing with my divorce, I had to learn to live alone again and do things that I have not had to do in years. I realized this week, that I am good with sleeping alone again and living alone and paying bills, doing the housework and the yard work. Now it is time to live my life for myself. I need to learn what makes me happy and stick with it. I need to learn how to find the good in every day no matter how crappy it may be. It is now time to do the things I love to do and the things I am passionate about. My divorce has given me a chance to figure out who I am and what makes me tick and what makes me happy. It is a process, but it is 100% worth it in my mind. I am happier already than I have been in a long time. I am not sure why that is, but even my friends and family have noticed it. I am learning that living my life is about me and no one else. If I dont live my life to its fullest, then how can I help anyone else find what fuels them to be happy and successful? I want to be that inspiration and the person that others see as strong and happy and healthy even though I have gone through tough times and been in crappy situations. Don't get me wrong, I know my tough times and crappy situations might be nothing for some people, but for me this divorce is the second hardest thing I have had to deal with. The first was a lot of deaths in a short amount of time. Both situations suck on so many levels but also for different reasons. I am stronger because of both of these situations, but I am a better person because of the divorce.
It may seem selfish to some that I am so worried and focused on my own happiness, but I have realized that if I am not happy, then I cannot help anyone else be happy. I enjoy the things I am doing and am passionate about them, which is a feeling I want to pass on to other people. I want to be able to help someone find their passion and their motivation to be the best they can be. One friend, who I would classify as an old soul and wise beyond their years, made me realize that until you know who you are, you cannot help someone else figure out who they are. I want to be that role model for someone somewhere. I want someone to see the accomplishments I have made and feel like they can accomplish anything they want to. One of my friends has been that inspiration and really believes in me enough to push me to do things I would not consider in the past. I want to be able to do that for someone else. I really feel like once the motivation is there, anything is really possible. I hope someday I will be that person and to be able to motivate and encourage and help others find their passion and love for life. I want someone to look at my life or me and say that they didn't give up because of my drive and motivation and strength. I want someone to know that they are good enough and strong enough and brave enough and pretty enough and capable of anything they want.
Yes, this post is kind of all over the place, but it is also connected in what I am dealing with. I get why people say they are sorry to hear I am going through a divorce, but I also hope people see how far I have come and how much I have grown because of a divorce. I am a stronger person because of it and I believe in myself on so many more levels than ever before.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
1st Quarter of the 1st Year is Done
I am not sure how to write this post since it has been so long. I am also not sure what I want to put into this post. Do I talk about the things I have done? Do I touch on the races I have run with no training? Or do I just let the thoughts flow hoping someone reading this will find some hope that things will get better and that someone realizes that they are not alone in their "adventures" (for lack of a better term)? Do I touch on how difficult it is to open up about the divorce and how much I struggle on a daily basis so that the people reading the blog can feel sorry for me? Or do I talk about how my friends don't get what it is like to feel like you will never been good enough knowing someone can just give up and walk away after ten years?
I don't know who actually reads my blog and that is okay with me. I feel like it should be a place to allow my thoughts to get out of my head and out there in case someone reads this and knows someone else going through something similar or someone reading this is dealing with a similar situation since no one's life or no divorce or experiences are the same or even similar. For some reason the past week has been one of the harder ones to get through. Maybe its because work has gotten busier, and I am trying to pull together the discovery information for my lawyer and I am trying to work out in order to keep some sanity in my life and in my head, but I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. I know my family and friends care, but it is so hard to open up knowing they might think I could have done more or that I should change my life even more to make ends meet or whatever other thoughts go through my head.
Things I have done: I have worked hard and I have played hard and it is hard to keep doing both while burning the candle at both ends. I have not run since before the new year. It is something that I do not see any progress coming from and it is stagnant to me and I have no benchmarks to beat and be super excited about. That being said, I am finding other ways to train for my races and to survive the mundane day to day tasks. No matter what you do, make sure it is something you enjoy doing. I have been told this in the past but until this year, I never really understood that line. I don't mind running, but God knows, I am not the biggest fan of it. I love the way I feel when I am done with a hard race or run that pushed me farther than I have ever pushed myself before. I like running still, but I don't like doing it every day. There is not enough entertainment value in running. It took me years to figure out, but if you enjoy the workout, it is really not that bad to work so hard you can't stand or you don't want to move because it is going to be tough and its going to hurt, but it is going to be 100% worth it in the end.
To run a race without training might not be the worst thing I have decided to do in my life, I am sure. Before Christmas I signed up for somewhere around 8-10 races this year. Two half marathons, One ten miler, and who knows how many 5k and 10k races. At the time I didn't realize that running would soon be something I do not enjoy on any level at any time. Once I decided that running is not fun for me, I was hoping that the races I signed up for would find my motivation to run and would help me to enjoy running again, but it didn't do any of those things. I have run a 10k, a 7k and an 8k since the start of the new year and I still have no motivation or desire to run. I didn't even wear my normal watch for the 10k. It was an okay race, but I didn't really pay much attention to it at all. The 7k I ran was two weeks ago. I averaged about an 11:30 minute per mile pace. It was an okay pace for me, and it is acceptable. Sunday I ran an 8k race and averaged a 10:50 minute per mile pace. It was all in my mindset going into the race honestly. I saw a quote on Facebook from an elite crossfit athlete that was related to when your body hurts, it really doesnt matter if you push a little bit farther and a little bit harder, so that was what I did. The last mile of the 8k was down Michigan Ave, to Roosevelt to Columbus with the finish on Columbus next to Grant park. There were so many people on Michigan Ave, cheering for everyone who passed them. The people on the side of the road were from all walks of life, including people who had already finished the race. To have that support and encouragement from people I have never met in my life really helped me to push myself as hard as possible to finish that race with the best time I could manage.
Now onto the fun question above. . . How hard it is to open up to people who you have known for various amounts of time about something that is one of the hardest things I have ever done, behind burying my in-laws. The past few months I have been told that I am happier than I have ever been or that I deserve better or whatever the case may be, but all these thoughts come from people who have never been there before and don't get how hard it is to open up about something knowing that a friend might judge me or pity me or hope that it never happens to them. After ten years with someone, it is hard to accept the decision that they can walk away and give up on something that you later learned is false or inaccurate or a lie. Everyone has a different experience with any situation but especially with divorce. It can be easy and quick or it can be hard and dragged out and a fight and then if there are kids or pets or more than just property it can be even uglier. The more I talk about my divorce, the more people tell me they have been there and have to deal with it or they hope that they can fix their own marriage so that they don't end up in my position. My friends and family are right though, I am happier than I have been in years. Different people react to the same situation in different ways. As hard as it is to "move on" sometimes there is a point in time when you want it all to be over and done with so that I can move on with my life. I know it is a process, and as much as it is time consuming, I really am ready for it to be completely over. It is hard to stay cheerful all the time knowing that my soon to be ex husband gave up and walked away and yet I am the one that had to completely change my lifestyle. He is traveling and spending money all around the US and I am at home working two jobs trying to make ends meet and not have to borrow more money from my parents. Through all of this crap, I have realized that even with all this chaos going on, I will be a stronger person and I will be able to survive everything that might be thrown at me the rest of my life.
The hardest part to everything that has been thrown at me in the past six months is knowing that my friends don't understand what is feels like or what I am dealing with. A few of my friends have been through something similar but most of them are afraid to talk about my situation and how no one would have thought things were really that bad in my marriage. I don't know where the fear comes from. I am open about the situation if someone asks but it is not something I go around "bragging" about. It is nothing to be proud of. It is part of my life and it will help me to become a better person but it should really not cause my friends to withdrawal from my life when I could use that support system. For all the friends that have pulled away, I have gained new friends honestly. Just last night I ended up talking to someone I know in passing about life and divorce and regrets. It was nice to just sit and talk about what I am dealing with and the struggles I face almost every day with someone who knows those struggles and internal debates. It is really hard to try to explain to someone who doesn't know what it feels how hard it is to put a smile on every day hoping that you don't say something wrong or offend someone who has never known what it is like to know that you aren't worth fighting for.
From all of the above, if there is one thing that I hope everyone learns from my situation it is that you are not alone and you are stronger than you ever knew was possible. A friend asked me how I can be so strong while dealing with these things. My response was that "you don't know how strong you are until you have no other option but to be strong". I don't know who said it, but it is more than true. Until you are in a situation when you have to find that strength somewhere somehow to just make it through the day without snapping or crying, then you don't know how strong you are. Every person we encounter in our daily lives is fighting a battle on some level that we do not know about. It is during these battles that we learn who we are and what we believe and what we want from our lives. It is during the battles that each person needs a support system to know is there no matter what arises from their life. It is not easy to go through divorce, but it is even harder knowing that people thing I could have done more or tried harder or given up things that I love that have made me who I am today. It is also hard to know that your friends might never understand your situation, but just knowing that they are willing to listen and try to get it is more than any one person can ask for. All it takes is one phone call or text or one line in an e-mail. As much as we claim our lives are too busy or chaotic and we expect everyone else to reach out, all it takes is five minutes at the most to say that you are thinking of someone or send them a link to an article that reminds you of that person or even a smiley face can say volumes when someone is struggle with their own life.
Remember that everyone has a battle they are fighting but that really is no reason to shut them out of your life. Everyone has a purpose in our lives, once their purpose is served it is time to let go. Just make sure you don't let go before the time is right. You might realize that you still need that person to help sort through the good and the bad. Life doesn't have to be lived alone to be enjoyed.
I don't know who actually reads my blog and that is okay with me. I feel like it should be a place to allow my thoughts to get out of my head and out there in case someone reads this and knows someone else going through something similar or someone reading this is dealing with a similar situation since no one's life or no divorce or experiences are the same or even similar. For some reason the past week has been one of the harder ones to get through. Maybe its because work has gotten busier, and I am trying to pull together the discovery information for my lawyer and I am trying to work out in order to keep some sanity in my life and in my head, but I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. I know my family and friends care, but it is so hard to open up knowing they might think I could have done more or that I should change my life even more to make ends meet or whatever other thoughts go through my head.
Things I have done: I have worked hard and I have played hard and it is hard to keep doing both while burning the candle at both ends. I have not run since before the new year. It is something that I do not see any progress coming from and it is stagnant to me and I have no benchmarks to beat and be super excited about. That being said, I am finding other ways to train for my races and to survive the mundane day to day tasks. No matter what you do, make sure it is something you enjoy doing. I have been told this in the past but until this year, I never really understood that line. I don't mind running, but God knows, I am not the biggest fan of it. I love the way I feel when I am done with a hard race or run that pushed me farther than I have ever pushed myself before. I like running still, but I don't like doing it every day. There is not enough entertainment value in running. It took me years to figure out, but if you enjoy the workout, it is really not that bad to work so hard you can't stand or you don't want to move because it is going to be tough and its going to hurt, but it is going to be 100% worth it in the end.
To run a race without training might not be the worst thing I have decided to do in my life, I am sure. Before Christmas I signed up for somewhere around 8-10 races this year. Two half marathons, One ten miler, and who knows how many 5k and 10k races. At the time I didn't realize that running would soon be something I do not enjoy on any level at any time. Once I decided that running is not fun for me, I was hoping that the races I signed up for would find my motivation to run and would help me to enjoy running again, but it didn't do any of those things. I have run a 10k, a 7k and an 8k since the start of the new year and I still have no motivation or desire to run. I didn't even wear my normal watch for the 10k. It was an okay race, but I didn't really pay much attention to it at all. The 7k I ran was two weeks ago. I averaged about an 11:30 minute per mile pace. It was an okay pace for me, and it is acceptable. Sunday I ran an 8k race and averaged a 10:50 minute per mile pace. It was all in my mindset going into the race honestly. I saw a quote on Facebook from an elite crossfit athlete that was related to when your body hurts, it really doesnt matter if you push a little bit farther and a little bit harder, so that was what I did. The last mile of the 8k was down Michigan Ave, to Roosevelt to Columbus with the finish on Columbus next to Grant park. There were so many people on Michigan Ave, cheering for everyone who passed them. The people on the side of the road were from all walks of life, including people who had already finished the race. To have that support and encouragement from people I have never met in my life really helped me to push myself as hard as possible to finish that race with the best time I could manage.
Now onto the fun question above. . . How hard it is to open up to people who you have known for various amounts of time about something that is one of the hardest things I have ever done, behind burying my in-laws. The past few months I have been told that I am happier than I have ever been or that I deserve better or whatever the case may be, but all these thoughts come from people who have never been there before and don't get how hard it is to open up about something knowing that a friend might judge me or pity me or hope that it never happens to them. After ten years with someone, it is hard to accept the decision that they can walk away and give up on something that you later learned is false or inaccurate or a lie. Everyone has a different experience with any situation but especially with divorce. It can be easy and quick or it can be hard and dragged out and a fight and then if there are kids or pets or more than just property it can be even uglier. The more I talk about my divorce, the more people tell me they have been there and have to deal with it or they hope that they can fix their own marriage so that they don't end up in my position. My friends and family are right though, I am happier than I have been in years. Different people react to the same situation in different ways. As hard as it is to "move on" sometimes there is a point in time when you want it all to be over and done with so that I can move on with my life. I know it is a process, and as much as it is time consuming, I really am ready for it to be completely over. It is hard to stay cheerful all the time knowing that my soon to be ex husband gave up and walked away and yet I am the one that had to completely change my lifestyle. He is traveling and spending money all around the US and I am at home working two jobs trying to make ends meet and not have to borrow more money from my parents. Through all of this crap, I have realized that even with all this chaos going on, I will be a stronger person and I will be able to survive everything that might be thrown at me the rest of my life.
The hardest part to everything that has been thrown at me in the past six months is knowing that my friends don't understand what is feels like or what I am dealing with. A few of my friends have been through something similar but most of them are afraid to talk about my situation and how no one would have thought things were really that bad in my marriage. I don't know where the fear comes from. I am open about the situation if someone asks but it is not something I go around "bragging" about. It is nothing to be proud of. It is part of my life and it will help me to become a better person but it should really not cause my friends to withdrawal from my life when I could use that support system. For all the friends that have pulled away, I have gained new friends honestly. Just last night I ended up talking to someone I know in passing about life and divorce and regrets. It was nice to just sit and talk about what I am dealing with and the struggles I face almost every day with someone who knows those struggles and internal debates. It is really hard to try to explain to someone who doesn't know what it feels how hard it is to put a smile on every day hoping that you don't say something wrong or offend someone who has never known what it is like to know that you aren't worth fighting for.
From all of the above, if there is one thing that I hope everyone learns from my situation it is that you are not alone and you are stronger than you ever knew was possible. A friend asked me how I can be so strong while dealing with these things. My response was that "you don't know how strong you are until you have no other option but to be strong". I don't know who said it, but it is more than true. Until you are in a situation when you have to find that strength somewhere somehow to just make it through the day without snapping or crying, then you don't know how strong you are. Every person we encounter in our daily lives is fighting a battle on some level that we do not know about. It is during these battles that we learn who we are and what we believe and what we want from our lives. It is during the battles that each person needs a support system to know is there no matter what arises from their life. It is not easy to go through divorce, but it is even harder knowing that people thing I could have done more or tried harder or given up things that I love that have made me who I am today. It is also hard to know that your friends might never understand your situation, but just knowing that they are willing to listen and try to get it is more than any one person can ask for. All it takes is one phone call or text or one line in an e-mail. As much as we claim our lives are too busy or chaotic and we expect everyone else to reach out, all it takes is five minutes at the most to say that you are thinking of someone or send them a link to an article that reminds you of that person or even a smiley face can say volumes when someone is struggle with their own life.
Remember that everyone has a battle they are fighting but that really is no reason to shut them out of your life. Everyone has a purpose in our lives, once their purpose is served it is time to let go. Just make sure you don't let go before the time is right. You might realize that you still need that person to help sort through the good and the bad. Life doesn't have to be lived alone to be enjoyed.
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