This is a fast turn around for a blog post for me. Lately they have been few and far between because life has gotten in the way. It is almost midnight on a Saturday and I am exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally, but yet I cannot sleep because there is too much going through my head. I am not sure how many people realize this, but in order to make ends meet until the divorce is complete, I am working two jobs, one during the week and one on the weekends, plus I work out 5 out of 7 days a week to help keep my sanity and to keep the divorce from really breaking me completely and lastly I am taking the last class required for my masters, which has to be competed before the end of the year.
The thing that keeps amazing me is that when someone hears I am getting divorced or going through a divorce or any form of those phrases, the first thing that is said is, 'I'm Sorry'. This is usually the reaction I get from people who have never been divorced. It is a bad situation, but honestly it is for the best for me. I understand that a lot of people do not know how to react since it seemed like things were good in my marriage. There was and still is a lot that people do not know about. The arguements and the blame that happened made my marriage very difficult, but the details are things that I dont talk about in public. To be honest, yes, divorce sucks, it tears people and families and friends apart, but it is not always a bad situation. Sometimes divorce is necessary to be able to live life to the fullest or to be happy with yourself and the way your life is. Sometimes divorce takes you by surprise and the changes you know you will have to go through scare the hell out of you. Everything someone feels about divorce is their feelings and opinions and thoughts and I accept all of those. It is frustrating for me to have friends tell me they are sorry I am going through a divorce in one breath then tell me this is the happiest they have ever seen me. And understand that every divorce as every marriage is different. No matter what the situation, the people involved are different which makes everyone's situation unique.
Don't get me wrong, this divorce has really taken its toll on me. I have borrowed money, lost friends, gained friends, lost myself, found myself and blamed myself all in the past six months. I have lost friends because of the divorce, but also because I realized that the negative people I had in my life were really not doing me any good. They were the people that helped me focus on the bad parts of a situation not the good aspects of my life, and I have learned there are a lot of the good things. I have gained friends. I really believe that if you lose one person in your life, then that person's purpose has been met. We only have room in our lives for so many friends, and this can be different for each person, but because I feel like I only have so many good, close friends, when one friend leaves my life, another one enters. It is amazing how this works for me. It is not something that I can control, it is just something that happens. I am grateful for every single person who has been a part of my life. They have all taught me something about life and love and myself and because of that, I would not trade any of them for the world. Because of dealing with my divorce, I had to learn to live alone again and do things that I have not had to do in years. I realized this week, that I am good with sleeping alone again and living alone and paying bills, doing the housework and the yard work. Now it is time to live my life for myself. I need to learn what makes me happy and stick with it. I need to learn how to find the good in every day no matter how crappy it may be. It is now time to do the things I love to do and the things I am passionate about. My divorce has given me a chance to figure out who I am and what makes me tick and what makes me happy. It is a process, but it is 100% worth it in my mind. I am happier already than I have been in a long time. I am not sure why that is, but even my friends and family have noticed it. I am learning that living my life is about me and no one else. If I dont live my life to its fullest, then how can I help anyone else find what fuels them to be happy and successful? I want to be that inspiration and the person that others see as strong and happy and healthy even though I have gone through tough times and been in crappy situations. Don't get me wrong, I know my tough times and crappy situations might be nothing for some people, but for me this divorce is the second hardest thing I have had to deal with. The first was a lot of deaths in a short amount of time. Both situations suck on so many levels but also for different reasons. I am stronger because of both of these situations, but I am a better person because of the divorce.
It may seem selfish to some that I am so worried and focused on my own happiness, but I have realized that if I am not happy, then I cannot help anyone else be happy. I enjoy the things I am doing and am passionate about them, which is a feeling I want to pass on to other people. I want to be able to help someone find their passion and their motivation to be the best they can be. One friend, who I would classify as an old soul and wise beyond their years, made me realize that until you know who you are, you cannot help someone else figure out who they are. I want to be that role model for someone somewhere. I want someone to see the accomplishments I have made and feel like they can accomplish anything they want to. One of my friends has been that inspiration and really believes in me enough to push me to do things I would not consider in the past. I want to be able to do that for someone else. I really feel like once the motivation is there, anything is really possible. I hope someday I will be that person and to be able to motivate and encourage and help others find their passion and love for life. I want someone to look at my life or me and say that they didn't give up because of my drive and motivation and strength. I want someone to know that they are good enough and strong enough and brave enough and pretty enough and capable of anything they want.
Yes, this post is kind of all over the place, but it is also connected in what I am dealing with. I get why people say they are sorry to hear I am going through a divorce, but I also hope people see how far I have come and how much I have grown because of a divorce. I am a stronger person because of it and I believe in myself on so many more levels than ever before.
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