1st Quarter of the 1st Year is Done

I am not sure how to write this post since it has been so long. I am also not sure what I want to put into this post. Do I talk about the things I have done? Do I touch on the races I have run with no training? Or do I just let the thoughts flow hoping someone reading this will find some hope that things will get better and that someone realizes that they are not alone in their "adventures" (for lack of a better term)? Do I touch on how difficult it is to open up about the divorce and how much I struggle on a daily basis so that the people reading the blog can feel sorry for me? Or do I talk about how my friends don't get what it is like to feel like you will never been good enough knowing someone can just give up and walk away after ten years?

I don't know who actually reads my blog and that is okay with me. I feel like it should be a place to allow my thoughts to get out of my head and out there in case someone reads this and knows someone else going through something similar or someone reading this is dealing with a similar situation since no one's life or no divorce or experiences are the same or even similar. For some reason the past week has been one of the harder ones to get through. Maybe its because work has gotten busier, and I am trying to pull together the discovery information for my lawyer and I am trying to work out in order to keep some sanity in my life and in my head, but I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. I know my family and friends care, but it is so hard to open up knowing they might think I could have done more or that I should change my life even more to make ends meet or whatever other thoughts go through my head.

Things I have done: I have worked hard and I have played hard and it is hard to keep doing both while burning the candle at both ends. I have not run since before the new year. It is something that I do not see any progress coming from and it is stagnant to me and I have no benchmarks to beat and be super excited about. That being said, I am finding other ways to train for my races and to survive the mundane day to day tasks. No matter what you do, make sure it is something you enjoy doing. I have been told this in the past but until this year, I never really understood that line. I don't mind running, but God knows, I am not the biggest fan of it. I love the way I feel when I am done with a hard race or run that pushed me farther than I have ever pushed myself before. I like running still, but I don't like doing it every day. There is not enough entertainment value in running. It took me years to figure out, but if you enjoy the workout, it is really not that bad to work so hard you can't stand or you don't want to move because it is going to be tough and its going to hurt, but it is going to be 100% worth it in the end.

To run a race without training might not be the worst thing I have decided to do in my life, I am sure. Before Christmas I signed up for somewhere around 8-10 races this year. Two half marathons, One ten miler, and who knows how many 5k and 10k races. At the time I didn't realize that running would soon be something I do not enjoy on any level at any time. Once I decided that running is not fun for me, I was hoping that the races I signed up for would find my motivation to run and would help me to enjoy running again, but it didn't do any of those things. I have run a 10k, a 7k and an 8k since the start of the new year and I still have no motivation or desire to run. I didn't even wear my normal watch for the 10k. It was an okay race, but I didn't really pay much attention to it at all. The 7k I ran was two weeks ago. I averaged about an 11:30 minute per mile pace. It was an okay pace for me, and it is acceptable. Sunday I ran an 8k race and averaged a 10:50 minute per mile pace. It was all in my mindset going into the race honestly. I saw a quote on Facebook from an elite crossfit athlete that was related to when your body hurts, it really doesnt matter if you push a little bit farther and a little bit harder, so that was what I did. The last mile of the 8k was down Michigan Ave, to Roosevelt to Columbus with the finish on Columbus next to Grant park. There were so many people on Michigan Ave, cheering for everyone who passed them. The people on the side of the road were from all walks of life, including people who had already finished the race. To have that support and encouragement from people I have never met in my life really helped me to push myself as hard as possible to finish that race with the best time I could manage.

Now onto the fun question above. . . How hard it is to open up to people who you have known for various amounts of time about something that is one of the hardest things I have ever done, behind burying my in-laws. The past few months I have been told that I am happier than I have ever been or that I deserve better or whatever the case may be, but all these thoughts come from people who have never been there before and don't get how hard it is to open up about something knowing that a friend might judge me or pity me or hope that it never happens to them. After ten years with someone, it is hard to accept the decision that they can walk away and give up on something that you later learned is false or inaccurate or a lie. Everyone has a different experience with any situation but especially with divorce. It can be easy and quick or it can be hard and dragged out and a fight and then if there are kids or pets or more than just property it can be even uglier. The more I talk about my divorce, the more people tell me they have been there and have to deal with it or they hope that they can fix their own marriage so that they don't end up in my position. My friends and family are right though, I am happier than I have been in years. Different people react to the same situation in different ways. As hard as it is to "move on" sometimes there is a point in time when you want it all to be over and done with so that I can move on with my life. I know it is a process, and as much as it is time consuming, I really am ready for it to be completely over. It is hard to stay cheerful all the time knowing that my soon to be ex husband gave up and walked away and yet I am the one that had to completely change my lifestyle. He is traveling and spending money all around the US and I am at home working two jobs trying to make ends meet and not have to borrow more money from my parents. Through all of this crap, I have realized that even with all this chaos going on, I will be a stronger person and I will be able to survive everything that might be thrown at me the rest of my life.

The hardest part to everything that has been thrown at me in the past six months is knowing that my friends don't understand what is feels like or what I am dealing with. A few of my friends have been through something similar but most of them are afraid to talk about my situation and how no one would have thought things were really that bad in my marriage. I don't know where the fear comes from. I am open about the situation if someone asks but it is not something I go around "bragging" about. It is nothing to be proud of. It is part of my life and it will help me to become a better person but it should really not cause my friends to withdrawal from my life when I could use that support system. For all the friends that have pulled away, I have gained new friends honestly. Just last night I ended up talking to someone I know in passing about life and divorce and regrets. It was nice to just sit and talk about what I am dealing with and the struggles I face almost every day with someone who knows those struggles and internal debates. It is really hard to try to explain to someone who doesn't know what it feels how hard it is to put a smile on every day hoping that you don't say something wrong or offend someone who has never known what it is like to know that you aren't worth fighting for.

From all of the above, if there is one thing that I hope everyone learns from my situation it is that you are not alone and you are stronger than you ever knew was possible. A friend asked me how I can be so strong while dealing with these things. My response was that "you don't know how strong you are until you have no other option but to be strong". I don't know who said it, but it is more than true. Until you are in a situation when you have to find that strength somewhere somehow to just make it through the day without snapping or crying, then you don't know how strong you are. Every person we encounter in our daily lives is fighting a battle on some level that we do not know about. It is during these battles that we learn who we are and what we believe and what we want from our lives. It is during the battles that each person needs a support system to know is there no matter what arises from their life. It is not easy to go through divorce, but it is even harder knowing that people thing I could have done more or tried harder or given up things that I love that have made me who I am today. It is also hard to know that your friends might never understand your situation, but just knowing that they are willing to listen and try to get it is more than any one person can ask for. All it takes is one phone call or text or one line in an e-mail. As much as we claim our lives are too busy or chaotic and we expect everyone else to reach out, all it takes is five minutes at the most to say that you are thinking of someone or send them a link to an article that reminds you of that person or even a smiley face can say volumes when someone is struggle with their own life.

Remember that everyone has a battle they are fighting but that really is no reason to shut them out of your life. Everyone has a purpose in our lives, once their purpose is served it is time to let go. Just make sure you don't let go before the time is right. You might realize that you still need that person to help sort through the good and the bad. Life doesn't have to be lived alone to be enjoyed.