This is a fast turn around for a blog post for me. Lately they have been few and far between because life has gotten in the way. It is almost midnight on a Saturday and I am exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally, but yet I cannot sleep because there is too much going through my head. I am not sure how many people realize this, but in order to make ends meet until the divorce is complete, I am working two jobs, one during the week and one on the weekends, plus I work out 5 out of 7 days a week to help keep my sanity and to keep the divorce from really breaking me completely and lastly I am taking the last class required for my masters, which has to be competed before the end of the year.
The thing that keeps amazing me is that when someone hears I am getting divorced or going through a divorce or any form of those phrases, the first thing that is said is, 'I'm Sorry'. This is usually the reaction I get from people who have never been divorced. It is a bad situation, but honestly it is for the best for me. I understand that a lot of people do not know how to react since it seemed like things were good in my marriage. There was and still is a lot that people do not know about. The arguements and the blame that happened made my marriage very difficult, but the details are things that I dont talk about in public. To be honest, yes, divorce sucks, it tears people and families and friends apart, but it is not always a bad situation. Sometimes divorce is necessary to be able to live life to the fullest or to be happy with yourself and the way your life is. Sometimes divorce takes you by surprise and the changes you know you will have to go through scare the hell out of you. Everything someone feels about divorce is their feelings and opinions and thoughts and I accept all of those. It is frustrating for me to have friends tell me they are sorry I am going through a divorce in one breath then tell me this is the happiest they have ever seen me. And understand that every divorce as every marriage is different. No matter what the situation, the people involved are different which makes everyone's situation unique.
Don't get me wrong, this divorce has really taken its toll on me. I have borrowed money, lost friends, gained friends, lost myself, found myself and blamed myself all in the past six months. I have lost friends because of the divorce, but also because I realized that the negative people I had in my life were really not doing me any good. They were the people that helped me focus on the bad parts of a situation not the good aspects of my life, and I have learned there are a lot of the good things. I have gained friends. I really believe that if you lose one person in your life, then that person's purpose has been met. We only have room in our lives for so many friends, and this can be different for each person, but because I feel like I only have so many good, close friends, when one friend leaves my life, another one enters. It is amazing how this works for me. It is not something that I can control, it is just something that happens. I am grateful for every single person who has been a part of my life. They have all taught me something about life and love and myself and because of that, I would not trade any of them for the world. Because of dealing with my divorce, I had to learn to live alone again and do things that I have not had to do in years. I realized this week, that I am good with sleeping alone again and living alone and paying bills, doing the housework and the yard work. Now it is time to live my life for myself. I need to learn what makes me happy and stick with it. I need to learn how to find the good in every day no matter how crappy it may be. It is now time to do the things I love to do and the things I am passionate about. My divorce has given me a chance to figure out who I am and what makes me tick and what makes me happy. It is a process, but it is 100% worth it in my mind. I am happier already than I have been in a long time. I am not sure why that is, but even my friends and family have noticed it. I am learning that living my life is about me and no one else. If I dont live my life to its fullest, then how can I help anyone else find what fuels them to be happy and successful? I want to be that inspiration and the person that others see as strong and happy and healthy even though I have gone through tough times and been in crappy situations. Don't get me wrong, I know my tough times and crappy situations might be nothing for some people, but for me this divorce is the second hardest thing I have had to deal with. The first was a lot of deaths in a short amount of time. Both situations suck on so many levels but also for different reasons. I am stronger because of both of these situations, but I am a better person because of the divorce.
It may seem selfish to some that I am so worried and focused on my own happiness, but I have realized that if I am not happy, then I cannot help anyone else be happy. I enjoy the things I am doing and am passionate about them, which is a feeling I want to pass on to other people. I want to be able to help someone find their passion and their motivation to be the best they can be. One friend, who I would classify as an old soul and wise beyond their years, made me realize that until you know who you are, you cannot help someone else figure out who they are. I want to be that role model for someone somewhere. I want someone to see the accomplishments I have made and feel like they can accomplish anything they want to. One of my friends has been that inspiration and really believes in me enough to push me to do things I would not consider in the past. I want to be able to do that for someone else. I really feel like once the motivation is there, anything is really possible. I hope someday I will be that person and to be able to motivate and encourage and help others find their passion and love for life. I want someone to look at my life or me and say that they didn't give up because of my drive and motivation and strength. I want someone to know that they are good enough and strong enough and brave enough and pretty enough and capable of anything they want.
Yes, this post is kind of all over the place, but it is also connected in what I am dealing with. I get why people say they are sorry to hear I am going through a divorce, but I also hope people see how far I have come and how much I have grown because of a divorce. I am a stronger person because of it and I believe in myself on so many more levels than ever before.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
1st Quarter of the 1st Year is Done
I am not sure how to write this post since it has been so long. I am also not sure what I want to put into this post. Do I talk about the things I have done? Do I touch on the races I have run with no training? Or do I just let the thoughts flow hoping someone reading this will find some hope that things will get better and that someone realizes that they are not alone in their "adventures" (for lack of a better term)? Do I touch on how difficult it is to open up about the divorce and how much I struggle on a daily basis so that the people reading the blog can feel sorry for me? Or do I talk about how my friends don't get what it is like to feel like you will never been good enough knowing someone can just give up and walk away after ten years?
I don't know who actually reads my blog and that is okay with me. I feel like it should be a place to allow my thoughts to get out of my head and out there in case someone reads this and knows someone else going through something similar or someone reading this is dealing with a similar situation since no one's life or no divorce or experiences are the same or even similar. For some reason the past week has been one of the harder ones to get through. Maybe its because work has gotten busier, and I am trying to pull together the discovery information for my lawyer and I am trying to work out in order to keep some sanity in my life and in my head, but I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. I know my family and friends care, but it is so hard to open up knowing they might think I could have done more or that I should change my life even more to make ends meet or whatever other thoughts go through my head.
Things I have done: I have worked hard and I have played hard and it is hard to keep doing both while burning the candle at both ends. I have not run since before the new year. It is something that I do not see any progress coming from and it is stagnant to me and I have no benchmarks to beat and be super excited about. That being said, I am finding other ways to train for my races and to survive the mundane day to day tasks. No matter what you do, make sure it is something you enjoy doing. I have been told this in the past but until this year, I never really understood that line. I don't mind running, but God knows, I am not the biggest fan of it. I love the way I feel when I am done with a hard race or run that pushed me farther than I have ever pushed myself before. I like running still, but I don't like doing it every day. There is not enough entertainment value in running. It took me years to figure out, but if you enjoy the workout, it is really not that bad to work so hard you can't stand or you don't want to move because it is going to be tough and its going to hurt, but it is going to be 100% worth it in the end.
To run a race without training might not be the worst thing I have decided to do in my life, I am sure. Before Christmas I signed up for somewhere around 8-10 races this year. Two half marathons, One ten miler, and who knows how many 5k and 10k races. At the time I didn't realize that running would soon be something I do not enjoy on any level at any time. Once I decided that running is not fun for me, I was hoping that the races I signed up for would find my motivation to run and would help me to enjoy running again, but it didn't do any of those things. I have run a 10k, a 7k and an 8k since the start of the new year and I still have no motivation or desire to run. I didn't even wear my normal watch for the 10k. It was an okay race, but I didn't really pay much attention to it at all. The 7k I ran was two weeks ago. I averaged about an 11:30 minute per mile pace. It was an okay pace for me, and it is acceptable. Sunday I ran an 8k race and averaged a 10:50 minute per mile pace. It was all in my mindset going into the race honestly. I saw a quote on Facebook from an elite crossfit athlete that was related to when your body hurts, it really doesnt matter if you push a little bit farther and a little bit harder, so that was what I did. The last mile of the 8k was down Michigan Ave, to Roosevelt to Columbus with the finish on Columbus next to Grant park. There were so many people on Michigan Ave, cheering for everyone who passed them. The people on the side of the road were from all walks of life, including people who had already finished the race. To have that support and encouragement from people I have never met in my life really helped me to push myself as hard as possible to finish that race with the best time I could manage.
Now onto the fun question above. . . How hard it is to open up to people who you have known for various amounts of time about something that is one of the hardest things I have ever done, behind burying my in-laws. The past few months I have been told that I am happier than I have ever been or that I deserve better or whatever the case may be, but all these thoughts come from people who have never been there before and don't get how hard it is to open up about something knowing that a friend might judge me or pity me or hope that it never happens to them. After ten years with someone, it is hard to accept the decision that they can walk away and give up on something that you later learned is false or inaccurate or a lie. Everyone has a different experience with any situation but especially with divorce. It can be easy and quick or it can be hard and dragged out and a fight and then if there are kids or pets or more than just property it can be even uglier. The more I talk about my divorce, the more people tell me they have been there and have to deal with it or they hope that they can fix their own marriage so that they don't end up in my position. My friends and family are right though, I am happier than I have been in years. Different people react to the same situation in different ways. As hard as it is to "move on" sometimes there is a point in time when you want it all to be over and done with so that I can move on with my life. I know it is a process, and as much as it is time consuming, I really am ready for it to be completely over. It is hard to stay cheerful all the time knowing that my soon to be ex husband gave up and walked away and yet I am the one that had to completely change my lifestyle. He is traveling and spending money all around the US and I am at home working two jobs trying to make ends meet and not have to borrow more money from my parents. Through all of this crap, I have realized that even with all this chaos going on, I will be a stronger person and I will be able to survive everything that might be thrown at me the rest of my life.
The hardest part to everything that has been thrown at me in the past six months is knowing that my friends don't understand what is feels like or what I am dealing with. A few of my friends have been through something similar but most of them are afraid to talk about my situation and how no one would have thought things were really that bad in my marriage. I don't know where the fear comes from. I am open about the situation if someone asks but it is not something I go around "bragging" about. It is nothing to be proud of. It is part of my life and it will help me to become a better person but it should really not cause my friends to withdrawal from my life when I could use that support system. For all the friends that have pulled away, I have gained new friends honestly. Just last night I ended up talking to someone I know in passing about life and divorce and regrets. It was nice to just sit and talk about what I am dealing with and the struggles I face almost every day with someone who knows those struggles and internal debates. It is really hard to try to explain to someone who doesn't know what it feels how hard it is to put a smile on every day hoping that you don't say something wrong or offend someone who has never known what it is like to know that you aren't worth fighting for.
From all of the above, if there is one thing that I hope everyone learns from my situation it is that you are not alone and you are stronger than you ever knew was possible. A friend asked me how I can be so strong while dealing with these things. My response was that "you don't know how strong you are until you have no other option but to be strong". I don't know who said it, but it is more than true. Until you are in a situation when you have to find that strength somewhere somehow to just make it through the day without snapping or crying, then you don't know how strong you are. Every person we encounter in our daily lives is fighting a battle on some level that we do not know about. It is during these battles that we learn who we are and what we believe and what we want from our lives. It is during the battles that each person needs a support system to know is there no matter what arises from their life. It is not easy to go through divorce, but it is even harder knowing that people thing I could have done more or tried harder or given up things that I love that have made me who I am today. It is also hard to know that your friends might never understand your situation, but just knowing that they are willing to listen and try to get it is more than any one person can ask for. All it takes is one phone call or text or one line in an e-mail. As much as we claim our lives are too busy or chaotic and we expect everyone else to reach out, all it takes is five minutes at the most to say that you are thinking of someone or send them a link to an article that reminds you of that person or even a smiley face can say volumes when someone is struggle with their own life.
Remember that everyone has a battle they are fighting but that really is no reason to shut them out of your life. Everyone has a purpose in our lives, once their purpose is served it is time to let go. Just make sure you don't let go before the time is right. You might realize that you still need that person to help sort through the good and the bad. Life doesn't have to be lived alone to be enjoyed.
I don't know who actually reads my blog and that is okay with me. I feel like it should be a place to allow my thoughts to get out of my head and out there in case someone reads this and knows someone else going through something similar or someone reading this is dealing with a similar situation since no one's life or no divorce or experiences are the same or even similar. For some reason the past week has been one of the harder ones to get through. Maybe its because work has gotten busier, and I am trying to pull together the discovery information for my lawyer and I am trying to work out in order to keep some sanity in my life and in my head, but I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. I know my family and friends care, but it is so hard to open up knowing they might think I could have done more or that I should change my life even more to make ends meet or whatever other thoughts go through my head.
Things I have done: I have worked hard and I have played hard and it is hard to keep doing both while burning the candle at both ends. I have not run since before the new year. It is something that I do not see any progress coming from and it is stagnant to me and I have no benchmarks to beat and be super excited about. That being said, I am finding other ways to train for my races and to survive the mundane day to day tasks. No matter what you do, make sure it is something you enjoy doing. I have been told this in the past but until this year, I never really understood that line. I don't mind running, but God knows, I am not the biggest fan of it. I love the way I feel when I am done with a hard race or run that pushed me farther than I have ever pushed myself before. I like running still, but I don't like doing it every day. There is not enough entertainment value in running. It took me years to figure out, but if you enjoy the workout, it is really not that bad to work so hard you can't stand or you don't want to move because it is going to be tough and its going to hurt, but it is going to be 100% worth it in the end.
To run a race without training might not be the worst thing I have decided to do in my life, I am sure. Before Christmas I signed up for somewhere around 8-10 races this year. Two half marathons, One ten miler, and who knows how many 5k and 10k races. At the time I didn't realize that running would soon be something I do not enjoy on any level at any time. Once I decided that running is not fun for me, I was hoping that the races I signed up for would find my motivation to run and would help me to enjoy running again, but it didn't do any of those things. I have run a 10k, a 7k and an 8k since the start of the new year and I still have no motivation or desire to run. I didn't even wear my normal watch for the 10k. It was an okay race, but I didn't really pay much attention to it at all. The 7k I ran was two weeks ago. I averaged about an 11:30 minute per mile pace. It was an okay pace for me, and it is acceptable. Sunday I ran an 8k race and averaged a 10:50 minute per mile pace. It was all in my mindset going into the race honestly. I saw a quote on Facebook from an elite crossfit athlete that was related to when your body hurts, it really doesnt matter if you push a little bit farther and a little bit harder, so that was what I did. The last mile of the 8k was down Michigan Ave, to Roosevelt to Columbus with the finish on Columbus next to Grant park. There were so many people on Michigan Ave, cheering for everyone who passed them. The people on the side of the road were from all walks of life, including people who had already finished the race. To have that support and encouragement from people I have never met in my life really helped me to push myself as hard as possible to finish that race with the best time I could manage.
Now onto the fun question above. . . How hard it is to open up to people who you have known for various amounts of time about something that is one of the hardest things I have ever done, behind burying my in-laws. The past few months I have been told that I am happier than I have ever been or that I deserve better or whatever the case may be, but all these thoughts come from people who have never been there before and don't get how hard it is to open up about something knowing that a friend might judge me or pity me or hope that it never happens to them. After ten years with someone, it is hard to accept the decision that they can walk away and give up on something that you later learned is false or inaccurate or a lie. Everyone has a different experience with any situation but especially with divorce. It can be easy and quick or it can be hard and dragged out and a fight and then if there are kids or pets or more than just property it can be even uglier. The more I talk about my divorce, the more people tell me they have been there and have to deal with it or they hope that they can fix their own marriage so that they don't end up in my position. My friends and family are right though, I am happier than I have been in years. Different people react to the same situation in different ways. As hard as it is to "move on" sometimes there is a point in time when you want it all to be over and done with so that I can move on with my life. I know it is a process, and as much as it is time consuming, I really am ready for it to be completely over. It is hard to stay cheerful all the time knowing that my soon to be ex husband gave up and walked away and yet I am the one that had to completely change my lifestyle. He is traveling and spending money all around the US and I am at home working two jobs trying to make ends meet and not have to borrow more money from my parents. Through all of this crap, I have realized that even with all this chaos going on, I will be a stronger person and I will be able to survive everything that might be thrown at me the rest of my life.
The hardest part to everything that has been thrown at me in the past six months is knowing that my friends don't understand what is feels like or what I am dealing with. A few of my friends have been through something similar but most of them are afraid to talk about my situation and how no one would have thought things were really that bad in my marriage. I don't know where the fear comes from. I am open about the situation if someone asks but it is not something I go around "bragging" about. It is nothing to be proud of. It is part of my life and it will help me to become a better person but it should really not cause my friends to withdrawal from my life when I could use that support system. For all the friends that have pulled away, I have gained new friends honestly. Just last night I ended up talking to someone I know in passing about life and divorce and regrets. It was nice to just sit and talk about what I am dealing with and the struggles I face almost every day with someone who knows those struggles and internal debates. It is really hard to try to explain to someone who doesn't know what it feels how hard it is to put a smile on every day hoping that you don't say something wrong or offend someone who has never known what it is like to know that you aren't worth fighting for.
From all of the above, if there is one thing that I hope everyone learns from my situation it is that you are not alone and you are stronger than you ever knew was possible. A friend asked me how I can be so strong while dealing with these things. My response was that "you don't know how strong you are until you have no other option but to be strong". I don't know who said it, but it is more than true. Until you are in a situation when you have to find that strength somewhere somehow to just make it through the day without snapping or crying, then you don't know how strong you are. Every person we encounter in our daily lives is fighting a battle on some level that we do not know about. It is during these battles that we learn who we are and what we believe and what we want from our lives. It is during the battles that each person needs a support system to know is there no matter what arises from their life. It is not easy to go through divorce, but it is even harder knowing that people thing I could have done more or tried harder or given up things that I love that have made me who I am today. It is also hard to know that your friends might never understand your situation, but just knowing that they are willing to listen and try to get it is more than any one person can ask for. All it takes is one phone call or text or one line in an e-mail. As much as we claim our lives are too busy or chaotic and we expect everyone else to reach out, all it takes is five minutes at the most to say that you are thinking of someone or send them a link to an article that reminds you of that person or even a smiley face can say volumes when someone is struggle with their own life.
Remember that everyone has a battle they are fighting but that really is no reason to shut them out of your life. Everyone has a purpose in our lives, once their purpose is served it is time to let go. Just make sure you don't let go before the time is right. You might realize that you still need that person to help sort through the good and the bad. Life doesn't have to be lived alone to be enjoyed.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
The Fresh 20 and 100 Happy Days
Lots of things have been going on since the last post a month ago . . .
I have signed up for a new challenge at the gym . . .
I have struggled with motivation . . .
I became an aunt twice in less than a month . . .
I have signed up for the Fresh 20 website . . .
I committed to 100 happy days . . .
Lets touch on the challenge at the gym, which ties in with the lack of motivation. The challenge is not something new to me. I have participated many times before, but only really being successful once. It was the one time when I had a plan in place for my work outs, running and eating that things fell into place. This time I have a plan in place with the eating and a plan in place with the running/lifting, it is just making myself follow those plans. I feel like part of the problem is the weather we are dealing with. I can handle the snow and I can handle the cold, I cannot handle the bitter cold and below zero temperatures that we have been having this winter. If it hits 25 degrees outside I make myself run outside because it is at least a change of scenery. I have the clothes for 20+ degrees to run outside so this has become somewhat enjoyable. I usually cannot run outside as far, but I do get some miles in as slow and as ugly as they may seem, they still count.
I have learned over the past month that we all have good days and okay days and bad days related to anything going on in our life. Its okay to have those types of days, but it is also important to learn from those days. Lack of motivation has been the hardest thing for me ever. I can eat right, I can run, and I can lift, but for me to do so every day is where I struggle. I need to turn that external energy internally to figure out how to stay motivated. For my eating, I signed up for a new website (www.TheFresh20.com) which supplies weekly meal plans that contain 5 dinner recipes for four people plus the prep instructions, grocery list and nutritional values of each meal and side dish. My cousin is using this website with the vegetarian option, but I decided to go with the gluten free option. My biggest issue with eating gluten free is that I run out of meal ideas and eating the same thing over and over again tends to get boring. The nice thing with each recipe being for four people is that I can pick and choose a little bit more what I want to try and what I can't eat. Not only did I get a year of meal plans once a week, but I have the archives which is three additional years worth of recipes. This could be great and will supply me with so many meal options that I will never get bored with food again. For my lifting, I have my trainer three days a week that is constantly changing things up and I swear every workout is harder than the one before. For my cross-training . . . well, more to come on that later.
In the past month, I have become an aunt to two new nephews. These boys are going to be so much fun as they grow up together and cause problems for their parents together. It is so fun to see the differences and similarities in them.
Even when these two were born, the information was almost adentical from the time to the size. They will be trouble as they grow up, but it will be awesome to watch from the sidelines and spoil them as often as I want while giving them back to their parents when necessary.
Earlier this week I saw a post on facebook from a friend with a picture and the subject line of: "Can You Be Happy for 100 Days in a Row?" Never in the past would I have thought about this and if it was possible. After seeing my therapist earlier this week and having the task of focusing on all outcomes, no matter how small or if they are good or bad, I felt like this was 100% something I should take part in. The hard part of this challenge is that it is not a gratuity thing, it is a happiness thing . .. meaning it is not about things you are grateful for but rather about things or moments that make you happy. It doesn't change my feelings about participating though. I think having that reminder to focus on something that has brought you happiness even for a moment helps us to realize that there is good in the world and even during the shittiest times, there are good, caring people out there. Everyone has been dealt something crappy in their life. It is because of these times or moments or years even that we are the people we are today. I would not give up any bad thing that has happened because thru each of those things, I learned who my real friends are and I learned who I was and I am stronger because of it all. I saw this picture the other day and it is so true on various levels.
I have signed up for a new challenge at the gym . . .
I have struggled with motivation . . .
I became an aunt twice in less than a month . . .
I have signed up for the Fresh 20 website . . .
I committed to 100 happy days . . .
Lets touch on the challenge at the gym, which ties in with the lack of motivation. The challenge is not something new to me. I have participated many times before, but only really being successful once. It was the one time when I had a plan in place for my work outs, running and eating that things fell into place. This time I have a plan in place with the eating and a plan in place with the running/lifting, it is just making myself follow those plans. I feel like part of the problem is the weather we are dealing with. I can handle the snow and I can handle the cold, I cannot handle the bitter cold and below zero temperatures that we have been having this winter. If it hits 25 degrees outside I make myself run outside because it is at least a change of scenery. I have the clothes for 20+ degrees to run outside so this has become somewhat enjoyable. I usually cannot run outside as far, but I do get some miles in as slow and as ugly as they may seem, they still count.
I have learned over the past month that we all have good days and okay days and bad days related to anything going on in our life. Its okay to have those types of days, but it is also important to learn from those days. Lack of motivation has been the hardest thing for me ever. I can eat right, I can run, and I can lift, but for me to do so every day is where I struggle. I need to turn that external energy internally to figure out how to stay motivated. For my eating, I signed up for a new website (www.TheFresh20.com) which supplies weekly meal plans that contain 5 dinner recipes for four people plus the prep instructions, grocery list and nutritional values of each meal and side dish. My cousin is using this website with the vegetarian option, but I decided to go with the gluten free option. My biggest issue with eating gluten free is that I run out of meal ideas and eating the same thing over and over again tends to get boring. The nice thing with each recipe being for four people is that I can pick and choose a little bit more what I want to try and what I can't eat. Not only did I get a year of meal plans once a week, but I have the archives which is three additional years worth of recipes. This could be great and will supply me with so many meal options that I will never get bored with food again. For my lifting, I have my trainer three days a week that is constantly changing things up and I swear every workout is harder than the one before. For my cross-training . . . well, more to come on that later.
In the past month, I have become an aunt to two new nephews. These boys are going to be so much fun as they grow up together and cause problems for their parents together. It is so fun to see the differences and similarities in them.
 | |||
| James Roger (J.R) born January 30th at 12:21 am |
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| This is Clark Roscoe who was born January 11th at 12:21 pm |
Earlier this week I saw a post on facebook from a friend with a picture and the subject line of: "Can You Be Happy for 100 Days in a Row?" Never in the past would I have thought about this and if it was possible. After seeing my therapist earlier this week and having the task of focusing on all outcomes, no matter how small or if they are good or bad, I felt like this was 100% something I should take part in. The hard part of this challenge is that it is not a gratuity thing, it is a happiness thing . .. meaning it is not about things you are grateful for but rather about things or moments that make you happy. It doesn't change my feelings about participating though. I think having that reminder to focus on something that has brought you happiness even for a moment helps us to realize that there is good in the world and even during the shittiest times, there are good, caring people out there. Everyone has been dealt something crappy in their life. It is because of these times or moments or years even that we are the people we are today. I would not give up any bad thing that has happened because thru each of those things, I learned who my real friends are and I learned who I was and I am stronger because of it all. I saw this picture the other day and it is so true on various levels.
This picture says it all. We have all had things happen in our lives, some people talk about them, some people post them all over Facebook or another type of social media and some people keep it all inside. I have known people who do all of the above. I used to keep everything inside until one friend made me start talking about me and if something had happened how to deal with it. I learned that I don't want the attention from social media and I am not one to focus solely on myself, but that it is okay to talk about yourself and your problems every once in awhile. It helps to deal with the underlying issue and come up with a plan of attack to heal and move forward. Sometimes the pain never fully goes away and that is okay to as long as we can learn to use that pain as motivation to become a better person. When we first meet someone, as humans sometime we will compare ourselves to that person. Everyone has a story, and not every part of that story is something that is shared. For me, I constantly have to remind myself to be me and my life is like no one else's and even if someone has dealt with the same type of event, it is usually not the same exact thing. Even when someone hurts us, intentionally or not, we need to remember that they might not know any better and rather than focusing on harming them back or wishing harm to them, our energy is so much better spent if we focus on making ourselves better.
#100happydays Day 1 for me was that I am physically and mentally able to
run on a treadmill. To have the leg strength to run and to allow my
body to move in such a way that I can clear my thoughts and I can have
that time to think about myself and how to make me a better me is
something that not every one is capable of. Sometimes we take the little
things in life for granted, but it is usually those little things that
are what keeps us moving forward. As long as I believe in myself and
really believe that I am capable of accomplishing something, I will do
great things in my life.
Monday, January 13, 2014
A 10k Race and A New Nephew
The past week has had its ups and downs. Mostly they have been ups, but there have been a few moments of downs. Most of these were when I thought about the Polar Dash 10k which was this past Saturday. The past two weeks we have had massive amounts of snow, then negative forty degree windchills which highs in the negative twenties then rain and forty degree weather. This drastic weather change caused massive sinus issues for me. I was functioning but not at the normal 100% that I had been before the holidays. On Thursday of last week, my parents and my brother in law were would of town. Parents on a fun hunting trip and brother in law on a work trip. The fear for the weekend with them out of town was that my sister would go into labor. Luckily this did not happen. Her baby was just not ready to come out into the big, scary world just yet.
This past Saturday was the Polar Dash which is sponsored by Team Ortho. This is the first of four races that Team Ortho sponsors in Chicago. I thought when I signed up for this race, I would be ready to run and I would be in full training mode, which would make a 10k easy no matter what the conditions were on race day. Well, race day came after forty degree weather and melting snow and ice. I signed up for the Polar Dash after a friend convinced me to about two months ago. At the time, it sounded like a great idea. The path was icy in spots, wet most of the place and kinda slippery. I was more successful than I thought I would be. I did not have any true expectations for this race knowing that I had not run since Thanksgiving. Sure, I had a three mile run here or there, but it was nothing serious or consistent. The advantage I feel I had was from having the training schedule of three times a week lifting with a trainer. I attribute the amount of time I actually ran to being consistent with my lifting. Hey, its better than nothing. About mile 4, after the turn around and on the way back to the finish my ankle started to flare. I was currently at about a 12:30 min mile pace, which I was happy with. I had some faster miles and some slower miles, mostly because of the ice and puddles. After my ankle started to flare up, I saw the lady I signed up with. I decided that I would run/walk with her to kinda give my ankle a rest and to keep myself from pushing too hard and side lining myself. Well, for as tough as my run was, the lady I ran with set a PR for a 10k race. I am so proud of her because it was a goal for her to break a 15 min mile and she killed it. You can see in the below picture from after the race that she is beaming from crushing her goal.
As we pull into the garage to park before the race I get a call from my little brother telling me that my sister in law's water broke and they were at the hospital waiting to go to labor and delivery. At about 10:45 as we are about a mile from the finish, I get a text from my brother that my sister in law was expected to have the baby about 1:00pm that day. We got changed after the race, dropped my brother's car off at his office and back to the hospital about 45 minutes before my nephew was born. Thankfully, the lady I was with for the race didnt mind sitting in a waiting room till the baby was born. My nephew was born at 12:21 on Saturday afternoon. After meeting Clark Roscoe, we headed out of the city. I got to spend some time with my brother and sister in law on Sunday before the rest of my family came into the city. It was really awesome to have a few hours to just hold my nephew and catch up with my little brother.
Meet Clark Roscoe born on Saturday, January 11th at 12:21 pm. I am so excited to spoil this little guy as much as possible. Having met Clark, I cannot wait to meet my sister's soon to be born son as well. Two new nephews in a very short time span. . . What more could I ask for?
Today I decided to figure out how many and which races I have signed up for. It ends up that I have run one 10k already and am signed up for 6 more races with the possibility of three more. Currently I am signed up for:
Polar Dash 10k - Jan 11th
Get Lucky 7K - March 19th (4.34 miles)
Shamrock Shuffle 8k - March 30th (4.96 miles)
Soldier Field 10 Miler - May 24th
Rock n Roll Half - July 20th
Fort 2 Base 5k- August 24th
Women's Rock 10K - September 20th
Monster Dash Half - October 19th
Hot Chocolate 15k - November 2nd
With these three that I am most likely going to register for just havent yet:
Illinois Marathon 10k - April 26th
Fort 2 Base 5k- August 24th
Hot Chocolate 15k - November 2nd
I love the fact that I have for once planned my race schedule for the year out. I would love one race a month for the year, but as of right now, I am missing February, June and December. If it doesn't happen that way, it is okay in my mind since this will be the most races I have done in a year time span. I am still considering running a full marathon, but not this year. This year I am focusing on myself and my base mileage and will decide next year. I have thought a lot about this and think I will build the base in 2014 then start training in January of 2015 knowing that as the months go by and we get closer to October, when the Chicago Marathon is run, I can sign up if that is really something I want to do. Having these races already planned really helps me to focus on my running, training and eating options to become the best me I can be.
This past Saturday was the Polar Dash which is sponsored by Team Ortho. This is the first of four races that Team Ortho sponsors in Chicago. I thought when I signed up for this race, I would be ready to run and I would be in full training mode, which would make a 10k easy no matter what the conditions were on race day. Well, race day came after forty degree weather and melting snow and ice. I signed up for the Polar Dash after a friend convinced me to about two months ago. At the time, it sounded like a great idea. The path was icy in spots, wet most of the place and kinda slippery. I was more successful than I thought I would be. I did not have any true expectations for this race knowing that I had not run since Thanksgiving. Sure, I had a three mile run here or there, but it was nothing serious or consistent. The advantage I feel I had was from having the training schedule of three times a week lifting with a trainer. I attribute the amount of time I actually ran to being consistent with my lifting. Hey, its better than nothing. About mile 4, after the turn around and on the way back to the finish my ankle started to flare. I was currently at about a 12:30 min mile pace, which I was happy with. I had some faster miles and some slower miles, mostly because of the ice and puddles. After my ankle started to flare up, I saw the lady I signed up with. I decided that I would run/walk with her to kinda give my ankle a rest and to keep myself from pushing too hard and side lining myself. Well, for as tough as my run was, the lady I ran with set a PR for a 10k race. I am so proud of her because it was a goal for her to break a 15 min mile and she killed it. You can see in the below picture from after the race that she is beaming from crushing her goal.
As we pull into the garage to park before the race I get a call from my little brother telling me that my sister in law's water broke and they were at the hospital waiting to go to labor and delivery. At about 10:45 as we are about a mile from the finish, I get a text from my brother that my sister in law was expected to have the baby about 1:00pm that day. We got changed after the race, dropped my brother's car off at his office and back to the hospital about 45 minutes before my nephew was born. Thankfully, the lady I was with for the race didnt mind sitting in a waiting room till the baby was born. My nephew was born at 12:21 on Saturday afternoon. After meeting Clark Roscoe, we headed out of the city. I got to spend some time with my brother and sister in law on Sunday before the rest of my family came into the city. It was really awesome to have a few hours to just hold my nephew and catch up with my little brother.
Today I decided to figure out how many and which races I have signed up for. It ends up that I have run one 10k already and am signed up for 6 more races with the possibility of three more. Currently I am signed up for:
Polar Dash 10k - Jan 11th
Get Lucky 7K - March 19th (4.34 miles)
Shamrock Shuffle 8k - March 30th (4.96 miles)
Soldier Field 10 Miler - May 24th
Rock n Roll Half - July 20th
Fort 2 Base 5k- August 24th
Women's Rock 10K - September 20th
Monster Dash Half - October 19th
Hot Chocolate 15k - November 2nd
With these three that I am most likely going to register for just havent yet:
Illinois Marathon 10k - April 26th
Fort 2 Base 5k- August 24th
Hot Chocolate 15k - November 2nd
I love the fact that I have for once planned my race schedule for the year out. I would love one race a month for the year, but as of right now, I am missing February, June and December. If it doesn't happen that way, it is okay in my mind since this will be the most races I have done in a year time span. I am still considering running a full marathon, but not this year. This year I am focusing on myself and my base mileage and will decide next year. I have thought a lot about this and think I will build the base in 2014 then start training in January of 2015 knowing that as the months go by and we get closer to October, when the Chicago Marathon is run, I can sign up if that is really something I want to do. Having these races already planned really helps me to focus on my running, training and eating options to become the best me I can be.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Running as an Outlet
Running is something that I have learned to love. It makes me feel like I am on top of the world with no real reason to feel anything but amazing. Running lets me do things that other people either dont want to or believe they cant. Everyone can run . . . it is a constant internal battle to find the motivation and desire to keep going. I was at a party for friends of ours and everyone asked how I lost the weight. For me, its running and lifting that have made the biggest difference.
I started running a year and a half ago because my trainer believe it would be a good goal to complete a half marathon since the scale moving and smaller clothes size was not motivating me anymore. It was so hard at first, I can't lie. I had about sixteen weeks to train for Rock 'N' Roll half in July of 2012. I could not get through a long run without crying for whatever the reason may be. I finally ran an eight mile run and walked into the gym to stretch, shower and change for work. When I walked into the gym, my trainer asked how it went. My response was that it was the first long run I didnt have to walk for any part of and it was the first long run that I didnt cry at any time during. It was a huge accomplishment and even during the tough runs now, I hold onto that feeling.
Since I started running in April of 2012, I have run multiple 5k's, 10k's and three half marathons. I ran Rock n Roll in July 2012, Rockford Half in May 2013 and Rock n Roll in July 2013. These are the biggest accomplishments I have had with my races. Each half has gotten a little bit faster. This year the goal for Rock n Roll in July 2014 is to break a 2:30 half marathon. I have never been a runner. I hated every minute of running, but now I find myself craving an hour outside by myself to sort out my thoughts. I honestly feel myself craving a run when things are hectic or chaotic or just stressful. Running has become an outlet for me that I never want to lose.
The most frustrating part of running is the sprained ankles for me. I rolled my right ankle at mile 9 during Rockford Half last year. This took the eight weeks I had between Rockford and Rock n Roll down to only four weeks of running, after two weeks of nothing and two weeks on the bike. This was one of the hardest things for me since I was looking forward to Rock n Roll. I was still faster than at Rockford, but not as much as I wanted to be. It was a learned lesson for me to pay more attention to my surroundings and be aware of what I am doing while running. I have gotten into the habit of letting my brain shut down while running. I have since learned that no matter how much I have on my mind, I still need to focus on my form and my footings and my surroundings.
The past year and a half have taught me that I am capable of anything I put my mind to given enough time and the right coach. Sometimes I forget these details and doubt the training or the plan but I know deep down that as long as I trust the plan, I will be fine and ready and successful. It has been hard to trust the plan because it is not a plan I have created. It is usually a plan that was designed by my old trainer and as much as I trusted him, I doubted myself more often than not.
Running has helped me deal with death, depression, divorce and many other things. Running has allowed me to find myself and realize that I am good enough and I deserve to be happy no matter what I am doing in my life and that I deserve to have the support to be successful in any task I put my mind to. I hope everyone will be able to find the things that make them happy and the people who support them. It is important to do what makes you happy and healthy and makes life enjoyable. Once you have those, the rest fall into place. It may take more time than we want it to, but it does happy one step at a time.
I started running a year and a half ago because my trainer believe it would be a good goal to complete a half marathon since the scale moving and smaller clothes size was not motivating me anymore. It was so hard at first, I can't lie. I had about sixteen weeks to train for Rock 'N' Roll half in July of 2012. I could not get through a long run without crying for whatever the reason may be. I finally ran an eight mile run and walked into the gym to stretch, shower and change for work. When I walked into the gym, my trainer asked how it went. My response was that it was the first long run I didnt have to walk for any part of and it was the first long run that I didnt cry at any time during. It was a huge accomplishment and even during the tough runs now, I hold onto that feeling.
Since I started running in April of 2012, I have run multiple 5k's, 10k's and three half marathons. I ran Rock n Roll in July 2012, Rockford Half in May 2013 and Rock n Roll in July 2013. These are the biggest accomplishments I have had with my races. Each half has gotten a little bit faster. This year the goal for Rock n Roll in July 2014 is to break a 2:30 half marathon. I have never been a runner. I hated every minute of running, but now I find myself craving an hour outside by myself to sort out my thoughts. I honestly feel myself craving a run when things are hectic or chaotic or just stressful. Running has become an outlet for me that I never want to lose.
The most frustrating part of running is the sprained ankles for me. I rolled my right ankle at mile 9 during Rockford Half last year. This took the eight weeks I had between Rockford and Rock n Roll down to only four weeks of running, after two weeks of nothing and two weeks on the bike. This was one of the hardest things for me since I was looking forward to Rock n Roll. I was still faster than at Rockford, but not as much as I wanted to be. It was a learned lesson for me to pay more attention to my surroundings and be aware of what I am doing while running. I have gotten into the habit of letting my brain shut down while running. I have since learned that no matter how much I have on my mind, I still need to focus on my form and my footings and my surroundings.
The past year and a half have taught me that I am capable of anything I put my mind to given enough time and the right coach. Sometimes I forget these details and doubt the training or the plan but I know deep down that as long as I trust the plan, I will be fine and ready and successful. It has been hard to trust the plan because it is not a plan I have created. It is usually a plan that was designed by my old trainer and as much as I trusted him, I doubted myself more often than not.
Running has helped me deal with death, depression, divorce and many other things. Running has allowed me to find myself and realize that I am good enough and I deserve to be happy no matter what I am doing in my life and that I deserve to have the support to be successful in any task I put my mind to. I hope everyone will be able to find the things that make them happy and the people who support them. It is important to do what makes you happy and healthy and makes life enjoyable. Once you have those, the rest fall into place. It may take more time than we want it to, but it does happy one step at a time.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
New Years Eve
As I sit on my parent's couch which dog sitting on the eve of 2014 I have a lot of time to reflect on the past year. I ran two half marathons 8 weeks apart while fighting a sprained ankle (happened during the first half), I went through hell with fighting to save my marriage, filed for divorce, had my first Thanksgiving and Christmas solo in ten years and I am still standing.
Through four deaths of family members, I realized who my friends are. I also realized who was too busy to be there when I needed them. With a divorce in the works, I have lost friends but I have also gained friends. I feel like this is normal and I don't blame any of my friends for not understanding what I am dealing with. The whole process sucks and I would not wish it on my worst enemy, but I also feel like I am a better person for having dealt with these things.
Tomorrow brings a fresh start for me. As a friend told me when going through the initial thought process of filing for divorce, it is time to just "do me". I have not forgotten that phrase or that conversation because he is so right. It is time to focus on myself and my goals and desires for my life. I spent too much time trying to please other people on all levels. When asked to give up the things I love which have molded me into who I am today, I realized that I don't want to. I was crazy to try to give up those things and still be the person I was becoming. I am a strong, stubborn female but I want to live my life to the fullest.
2014 is going to be my year. I will not set resolutions because I feel like every time I do that, I am setting myself up for failure. Rather I have goals that I want to accomplish. I am still working on some of them and I know my goals will evolve and change as the year goes on and I get stronger in all levels, and that is okay. This big goal for me is to lose the last 15-20 lbs and to get my body fat to between 21-23%. This is do-able as long as I can stay focused on my nutrition. I will also be eating as clean as possible to help cut out the processed foods and gluten from my eating habits. Another big goal for me is to complete the Rock N Roll Half Marathon in July in under 2 hours and 30 minutes. I was so close to that goal last year and I missed it by about 8 minutes. In a year between the two Rock N Roll Halfs I did, i improved my time by almost 25 minutes, which I will take since the second race was with only four weeks of running and fighting a sprained ankle.
Once big thing I learned this year is that life happens and we can't stop it. We need to learn how to embrace it and run with it and make the best of it. I have learned the past year that I do have the strength and the power and the resources to accomplish anything I set my mind to. I just need to remember that I am good enough and strong enough and stubborn enough to complete anything I want to. It is all in the mind set that I have going into a task or a situation. Everything happens for a reason, we just dont always know the reason at the time. I learned that this is so true no matter what the situation is, good or bad. It is time to do me and in doing so, I will become the best person that I can be.
Tomorrow brings a yoga class at 10 am and then a run at the gym for hopefully an hour. It has been a month since I have run for various reasons and it is time to get back on the wagon. I have a 10K in two weeks that I need to make sure I am ready for.
Here's to a new year with a fresh start and new goals.
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